Jack Sparrow Meet Van Helsing
by freak and proud
Summary: Can Jack Sparrow say Van helsing's full name without giggling? Can he look at his hair without giggling? Will Van Helsing let him live to giggle again? IF THIS ISN'T FINISHED, IT NEVER WILL BE. Sorry.


A/N: This is something I thought up a while ago. But forgot. Then today I got hit on the head by a hanging basket (Yeah, you heard me. It's softer than a wall though...)and it came back to me like a rushy thing. Um, this was going to be a thing where the characters swapped roles, but its been/ being done. So after a few moments of oh fuck it, I came up with this. This probably won't get past chappie one, as really it's an excuse to take the piss out of movies. Heh heh heh...  
  
Disclaimer: All these characters are too famous for me to own. I'll make do by owning just Sophie (tear)  
  
Sophie: Right I'll just do a head check. (Looks at bit of paper) Jack Sparrow?  
  
Jack: It's Captain, I'll thank you to remember.  
  
Sophie: Whatever. Anamaria.  
  
Anamaria: Here!  
  
Sophie: Elizabeth- Elizabeth! Jesus! Will you get off Will for five minutes? Plenty of time for that later!  
  
Elizabeth: (Looks innocent) He's just helping me with my corset.  
  
Sophie: Yeah, right. Will, I know you're here... Look Elizabeth, wear these (Throws her a shirt and shirt.) Go behind that bush to get changed please-  
  
Jack: Oh, I don't have a problem with it...  
  
Sophie: Shut up Jack. No Will, you don't need to go with her.  
  
Will: Huh.  
  
Sophie: Yes you sulk. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Van Helsing?  
  
Van Helsing: Here.  
  
Sophie: Yes, just make sure the safety catch is on that crossbow, O.K? Err, Carl?  
  
Carl: Yes?  
  
Sophie: What is that thing- oh never mind, just make sure it doesn't go off. I doubt Disney would look kindly on me if I killed their main money makers off... Err, Princess Anna?  
  
Anna: Da darling.  
  
Sophie: Err, Dracula?  
  
Dracula: (Nods in an impressively cool way)  
  
Sophie: Barbossa? Oh, for god's sake, has anyone seen Barbossa?  
  
Jack: Did you not watch the movie love? I killed Barbossa.  
  
Sophie: Dracula's here and he got killed.  
  
Jack: Oh yeah...  
  
Barbossa: (Runs up puffing and panting) Sorry I'm late. The monkey wouldn't get dressed.  
  
Monkey: Screek!  
  
Sophie: Whatever. Come on, let's go before anything else goes wrong. (Sits in front of a machine with Acme Movie Mover written on the side) This'll take us to where we want to go.  
  
Acme Movie Mover: You have a message from the Acme Co. Due to the dealphabitisation of the movies, you will have to stop every so often to check where you are going. Good travelling.  
  
Sophie: Oh arse. Oh well, lets go. (Pulls lever)  
  
Sets of movies blur by and Sophie stops pulling the lever. They are standing in a stone hall. Legolas, Aragorn, Faramir, èomer and Gimli look at them in a worried way.  
  
Will: Hey, that blonde guy with the pointy ears looks just like me!  
  
Carl: That guy with the blonde beard and long hair looks familiar.  
  
Jack: Who am I sitting on? (Gets off Gandalf) oh, sorry mate, didn't see you there. Hey, Will, that ponce in the blond wig looks like you!  
  
Sophie: (Snigger) come on, lets go. (Pulls lever, sets flash by. Stop again.)  
  
(Frodo and Sam look at them in shock.)  
  
Peter Jackson: Move! You're treading on Gollum! That's thousands of pounds of CGI you're ruining!  
  
Anamaria: Oh, sorry. (Stops treading on Gollum)  
  
Gollum: (Gets up and sticks finger up at Anamaria) Nassty pirateses! Tread on poor Smeagol! Poor Master will have to go and get the footmark off.  
  
Sophie: O.K then. Sorry Mr. Jackson! (Pulls lever)  
  
When they stop they're on the set of Sleepy Hollow  
  
Ichabard Crane: What the-  
  
Will: Hey, you look like Jack. Except paler. And respectable.  
  
Crane: Wha- (Sits with mouth open)  
  
Jack: Hey! That twit looks nothing like me. Probably scared of spiders. Sissy.  
  
Anamaria: I don't know. Right now he looks like when you when a particularly pretty whore walks by.  
  
Jack: Humph.  
  
Sophie: O.K, let's move on.  
  
This time when they stop, they're on the set of X-Men 2  
  
Wolverine: What the- (Claws shoot out)  
  
Jack: Hey, Deja vu. Didn't that twerp say that?  
  
Van Helsing: (Shrugs)  
  
Wolverine: Hey, who are you? You look like me!  
  
Van Helsing: Pity. I thought I had better hair.  
  
Sophie: (Mutters) Err, no, not quite.  
  
Carl: (Picks up Wolverine's hands) This is fascinating. May I make notes?  
  
Wolverine: (Looms over Carl) No.  
  
Carl: Maybe now is not a good time.  
  
Sophie: (sigh) Let's go before Carl gets himself lacerated.  
  
On the set of Troy...  
  
Will: Hey, do I have a twin or something? Look at that guy!  
  
Jack: Look at that beauty on his arm!  
  
Sophie: Who, Hector?  
  
Anamaria: (Snigger)  
  
Jack: NO! The blonde!  
  
Sophie: Oh, her. Yeah, she's O.K, I guess.  
  
Anamaria: Jack's not fussy, obviously.  
  
Sophie: (Pulls the lever. When they stop they are on the set of Finding Nemo. Nigel, Dory, Nemo and Marlyn look at him in fishy amazement, or in Nigel's case, birdy amazement)  
  
Sophie: Technically, this is impossible. However, if we don't let on maybe it won't remember.  
  
Jack: This place looks familiar...  
  
Sophie: Really? We're in Australia.  
  
Jack: Really? Oh, cool.  
  
Nigel: (Out of corner of mouth) You lot, get in my mouth if you want to live.  
  
Carl: Why are the birds talking?  
  
Sophie: It's complicated.  
  
Elizabeth: The bird kind of sounds like Barbossa.  
  
Sophie: (Rolls eyes) Really. I'd never have guessed. (Pulls lever. They stop on the set of Mary Poppins, where Bert is about to dance with the penguins)  
  
Bert: Bleedin' Nora!  
  
Jack: That's just scary.  
  
Sophie: What, the accent or the dance?  
  
Jack: Both.  
  
Sophie: I know. You however, don't have roots in London. This bloke is wanted for crimes against culture and accents.  
  
Dracula: Does all this have a point? Or are ve just going to go on like this forever? And believe me, forever is a long time vhen you're immortal, and I bore easily.  
  
Sophie: (Consults A-Z of Films) We turn left here, I think. (Pulls lever. They stop outside Dracula's lair.) Nope, too far forwards. (Pulls lever. They stop in France, where Van Helsing has a battle with Mr Hyde.) Go on then Gabriel, do your thing.  
  
Jack: Gabriel? (Stifles sniggers unsuccessfully)  
  
Van Helsing: (Glares at Jack, Anamaria and Will and Elizabeth, who are all trying not to giggle. Badly)  
  
Sophie: Sorry Van Helsing. Your first name is easier though.  
  
Van Helsing: (Growls and runs to the cathedral)  
  
Dracula: Vas this the only point of this? To see Gabriel be the hero?  
  
Sophie: Probably. I figured we could have a look at what would happen if the Pirates cast were here. Oh, Carl?  
  
Carl: Err, yes?  
  
Sophie: You're supposed to be in Rome. Take the street to your left when you go down there, and you'll be in Rome.  
  
Carl: How does that work?  
  
Sophie: I don't know. Cool trick though, huh.  
  
Carl: (Goes down the alley).  
  
A/N: I figured I'd leave it here. I might carry on. I depends on what people think. So review please. Cylindrical smoking things to everyone who does. 


End file.
